operation: mess with the muscles

[kayytx]

(also on ao3)

written for shadows-in-the-clouds for Captain Handsome's Holiday Gift Exchange

Prompt: Tony and Clint team up to pull pranks of Thor and Cap! (Tony/Steve) (Gen)

It starts because Clint was, Tony will admit, trying to be a good bro and came up with what seemed like an excellent idea at the time to help Tony deal with his unrequited feelings for Steve.

“It” is the plan to prank Thor and Steve, because Steve apparently doesn’t like Tony back and wants to date Thor instead, and Clint suggested to Tony, hey! Maybe it would be hilarious to mess with the two of them so they seem less attractive to each other! Tony was tired and heartbroken, and his morning lizard brain told him that he needed to retaliate, so he agreed to go with it.

And anyway, the plan was hatched too quickly for Tony to even think harder about what he was saying yes to.

***

The team was just about to wrap up breakfast. Natasha had gone to get ready for the day already and Bruce had left to go audit a class at Columbia. Only Thor, Clint, Steve, and Tony were left sitting around the kitchen table, and Tony was still halfway through his second cup of coffee and so, so exhausted.

Somewhere to Tony’s left, a throat cleared and asked, “Um. Tony? I was wondering...would you be willing to help me with something?”

“Hmm?” Tony turned towards Steve and all he could think of was how pretty Steve’s eyes looked in the morning light. He could get lost in them forever. They were just so blue and mesmerizing and conveyed so much and Tony just loved them. He loved Steve’s eyes.

At some point while mentally waxing poetic over Steve’s eyes, Tony must have zoned out because the next thing he knew, Steve was asking, “...so would you be okay with that?”

“Um.” Tony blinks several times to snap out of his embarrassingly sappy thoughts. “Sorry, Cap. Could you repeat that? I’m still not completely awake yet.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure.” Steve glanced nervously around the table, pausing a bit to watch Thor smear peanut butter on his toast, then turned back to Tony. “There’s um. There’s this person I’d really like to get to know. Date. And well. I don’t know how to ask them out?” Steve’s eyes darted to Clint, then back to Thor, before settling on Tony again. “Could you help me? I figured...you would know best.”

There was a blush steadily creeping up Steve’s neck and he looked away again, watching Thor’s back as he ambled out of the kitchen. He rubbed at the back of his neck and smiled nervously at Tony. “So…?”

Oh. OH. Steve wanted advice on how to ask someone out. And he kept looking back at Thor while he was asking Tony for help. Oh. Steve wanted Thor.

Of course, Tony thought bitterly. Of course these two perfect creatures belong together. They were made for each other. Tony was stupid to have thought anything else.

But Tony was utterly besotted with Steve, and he would do anything to make him happy, even if it meant helping him win over someone else. So all he could say was, “Yeah sure, Steve. I’d love to help.”

Steve beamed. “God, thank you so much Tony. I knew I could count on you!” And with that, he got up from his seat and walked out the door, leaving Tony heartbroken with his coffee and Clint who had quietly witnessed the entire conversation.

Tony sat there stunned for a moment, wondering how exactly he got to this point in his life, when Clint cleared his throat and spoke up.

“I can’t believe you agreed to that, dude.”

“Why wouldn’t I? Steve’s one of my best friends. I’d always want to help him.” Even as Tony was saying this, he felt his words fall flat.

Clint scoffs. “Yeah, sure. Don’t pretend you’re okay with this. He’s into Thor, and you’re fine with that? You’re going to help him woo the guy?”

“Well what else should I do?”

“Show him what he’s missing by not choosing you.”

Tony was too tired for this conversation. He gulped down the rest of his coffee before asking, “Alright, how do I do that?”

Clint paused to think for a while, then suggested, “How do you make a literal god seem unattractive? How do you make a perfectly enhanced super soldier seem unattractive? We try and make them look as far from hot as possible to each other.”

“We?”

“Yeah, man. You’re my bro. I got your back. I’ll take on Steve, you deal with Thor. We prank the shit out of them until there’s zero attraction between them.”

Well. What did Tony have to lose?

***

So here Tony is, taking a page out of Mean Girls, of all movies, and squeezing foot moisturizer into a jar labeled as face cream.

He can’t believe he’s sunk this low.

But Tony’s committed to this now, and he’s going to follow through. Besides, Clint wouldn’t let him hear the end of it if Tony tells him he wants to stop. And it’s not like they’re doing anything particularly mean, right? It’s just a little harmless fun. If Steve and Thor really do want to be with each other, then Tony doubts that anything he and Clint can do would be able to stop them from getting together.

...right?

***

Clint had suggested they regroup every three days to give each other updates on how “Operation: Mess with the Muscles (aka OMM)” is going. It’s a dumb name for what they’re doing and Tony would rather not, but Clint can get pushy if he feels like it, and he thinks that he’s really helping Tony out with this so Tony can’t begrudge him for being overly enthusiastic. Tony can also admit that it’s bringing them closer together as friends, and he doesn’t really have a lot of those, so he had agreed to meet Clint at the tower’s lobby coffee shop every Monday and Thursday so they could chat and hang out.

The barista slides Tony and Clint’s drinks over the counter and he picks them up with a quick thanks, turning to navigate through the afternoon crowd before settling down at the table with Clint.

Clint snatches up the cup with his name and pauses before taking a sip. “Did you remember to ask for extra whipped cream?”

“Pretty sure half that cup is whipped cream, actually.”

“Sweet. Thanks dude,” Clint says and proceeds to chug a third of the drink in one go. He puts the cup back down on the table. “Alright. Mission report. How’s it going with Thor?”

Tony sighs. “Well, I gave him foot stuff for his face like you suggested.”

“And? How’d it go?”

***

Tony grasped the tub of foot-face cream tightly as he made his way into the den where Thor was reading. It was now or never. Tony had to do this. And it wasn’t like the moisturizer would have any negative effects anyway just because it went onto someone’s face instead of their feet. Skin was skin, Tony figured, and this was just a dumb practical joke. Thor wouldn’t even know what hit him. Products made for humans probably wouldn’t even work for Asgardians. This would be fine.

Plus, Thor looked so irritatingly ethereal, with his hair practically glowing from the sunlight streaming through the windows. Maybe it was a good idea to make him a little less perfect after all.

“Hey big guy,” Tony said as he approached. “Whatcha readin’?”

“Tony!” Thor beamed and held up his book for Tony to read the cover. Pride & Prejudice. “I’m trying to read more to understand this realm’s culture and Bruce said this is one of earth’s classic literary works.”

“Sure is, buddy. Anyway.” Tony shuffled forward and thrust the jar at Thor. “I got this for you.”

Thor took the jar from Tony and unscrewed the lid. He took a quick whiff and asked, “What is this? It smells divine.”

“It’s for, um, your face. Your beard, really. It’s great. Moisturizes your skin and keeps your facial hair soft.” Tony was impressed at how easily the lie rolled off his tongue.

“Ah! Thank you Tony! I will start using this as part of my daily routine! Bruce says those are important in everyday Midgardian life.” Thor put the jar aside and pulled Tony into a bone-crushing hug. It was one of the best hugs of Tony’s life --- Thor was huge and warm and bracketed Tony’s frame easily and he could stay there forever --- but he wasn’t about to tell anyone that.

The next day, as Tony was heading back into his room after a day of binge engineering, he paused when he heard Steve’s voice floating out of the kitchen.

“...chewing gum? Something smells great,” Steve commented.

“Oh, no. I don’t like gum. I’m always tempted to swallow it.” That was Thor. “I think you might be talking about the new moisturizer Tony gave me.”

He wasn’t going to eavesdrop, but now that Tony heard his name and Thor’s mention of the not-actually-for-the-face cream, he couldn’t not stop and listen.

“Tony gave it to you? He’s really just so nice, isn’t he?” Steve sighed, and Tony wondered if that was a good or bad sign. “Anyway, you smell amazing. I love peppermint.”

That was just great. Tony made Thor’s face smell like feet and apparently Steve liked it. The prank was a bust.

***

“So apparently, Steve is super into Thor’s peppermint foot face now.” Tony slumps into his seat and shakes his head. “We’ve just started and this plan is already failing.”

“What? No, don’t say that!” Clint smiles smugly. “I think my half is going well.”

Rage that has been simmering in Tony since the day before starts to reach a boiling point when he sees Clint’s dumb smile. He sits back up properly and jabs a finger in the other man’s direction.

“Don’t give me that look, Barton. I know what you did to Steve and let me tell you, all you accomplished was this.” Tony kicks his right foot up onto Clint’s lap and wiggles his toes at him. “You see this?! I’m wearing fucking Birkenstock’s in public because of you.”

Clint lets out the ugliest snort of laughter. “Dude! What the hell happened, man?” He pokes at Tony’s sock-clad toes and Tony hisses in pain, pulling his leg back and setting his foot back down to the floor.

“Your prank was poorly thought out, Clint. You’re not allowed to watch Mean Girls anymore.”

***

“Tony? You in here?”

It was one in the afternoon and Tony had almost forgotten he’d promised Steve that they could grab lunch together and talk about Steve’s request for...courting advice. Not that Tony was super psyched about teaching Steve how to get into another guy’s pants, but at this point he was willing to take any opportunity to spend time with Steve.

He quickly rolled out from under the Maserati he was modifying and got up to brush off his pants.

“Hey, Cap! Over here!” he called out, then turned to point his wrench at DUM-E. “You, come here and clean up this mess. Put my tools away then go and charge up, okay? Good boy.”

DUM-E nodded eagerly and set to work.

Satisfied with DUM-E’s quick response, Tony turned back to around to address Steve. “So where do you want to go for lunch? I was thinking Thai, but if you want we c--”

The words stuttered to a halt as Tony took in Steve’s appearance. “What are you-- why are-- nipples?!”

Tony felt weak all over and the next thing he knew, a clang echoed through the room and a searing pain started to shoot up from his right foot.

“Tony!” Steve ran over to Tony from the doorway. “Are you okay? Here, let me help you.”

Bracing his arm on Tony’s back, Steve half-carried him over to the nearest chair and lifted his leg up to take a closer look at Tony’s foot.

“I think you might have broken your toe. We’ll have to put this in a splint.” Steve faced Tony and asked, “Why weren’t you wearing any shoes in the lab? That’s a safety hazard!”

Incredulous, Tony shouted, “You coming in here with-- with holes in your shirt! Without any warning! And those! Those nipples hanging out! That is a safety hazard!” He blinked the tears of pain out of his eyes. “Why would you do that?!”

A flush started to creep up Steve’s neck and within seconds, his face turned completely tomato red. “Um. I didn’t want to.” He went up to get the first aid kit and didn’t seem to notice that by using one arm to cover his chest, he was making his, uh, problem, a little more obvious. Steve sat back down and focused on getting Tony’s foot patched up, avoiding eye contact with him. “My shirt had holes in them when I got out of the shower after my workout. I, um, didn’t have anything else to wear, so I put it back on and went to my room to change. But when I got there...someone messed with my closet, I guess. All my shirts had holes in them. And it’s too hot for a jacket. You know how I burn up, so I didn’t put one on.”

Tony knew immediately who could have gotten into Steve’s closet to pull something like this. He was going to have words with Clint later.

But now, he had to focus on Steve, who seemed ready to crawl into a hole from embarrassment. Tony couldn’t stand seeing Steve like this.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Whoever did that to you? They’re an asshole. I’m sorry someone would pull a prank like that.”

“Thanks Tony.” Steve glanced up and smiled softly at Tony. He patted his foot and said, “All done.”

“Well. I don’t think I can go out today with this injury. I don’t think I can even put on normal shoes.”

“Oh.” Steve’s face fell and he made to get up and leave. “I’ll just go, then. You should rest.”

“Hey, no! No, I promised we’d hang out, right? That we’d talk about your thing?”

Steve nodded.

“We’ll get something delivered. We can talk over takeout, and even watch a movie. What do you say?”

“Yeah?” Steve grinned. “Sounds perfect.”

“Alright then. JARVIS, get us our usual order from the Thai place. Oh, and get some new clothes express delivered to Steve. Come on, Cap. I think I have some of Rhodey’s old clothes you can borrow.”

As Steve helped Tony over to the elevator, Tony started thinking of new schematics for a biometric lock for Steve’s closet.

***

“Aw, man. I’m sorry!” Clint really does look ashamed of what he did, and well, good.

Tony huffed. “I know you mean well, but you should have known that Steve wearing shirts with holes in them would have made him look infinitely more attractive.”

“I’ll do better next time, I swear.”

“Good. And don’t be so mean to Steve. I don’t like it when he’s sad.”

***

Three days later, Tony is back in the cafe for his coffee hangout with Clint. Thankfully, the swelling in his toes has gone down and he can walk better now, so he’s more presentable than last time, wearing comfortable Adidas sneakers instead of Birkenstock’s with socks like a heathen.

He’s not above guilt-tripping Clint into buying their drinks this time though.

A frappe appears by Tony’s elbow moments later as Clint sits down across from him.

“Alright, so. How’d it go this time?”

Tony sighs. “Listen, dude. I don’t think this is working.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Clint pouts and it’s...not cute.

“Ha, ha, you’re fucking hilarious,” Tony deadpans. “No, seriously. There’s nothing we can do that would make Thor look unattractive. He’s a fucking god. It’s just impossible. And I’m pretty sure he’s not into Steve anyway. In fact, I think Thor and Bruce might have a thing going.”

Clint squints at him. “What? Thor and Bruce? Explain.”

***

While he was working on modifying his gauntlets in the workshop, JARVIS alerted Tony to an invitation from Steve to join him, Thor, and Bruce in the living room for some video games. Thor had heard about the Rainbow Road in Mario Kart and decided that he had to beat everyone at it, because the Bifrost was his domain.

Tony figured this would be a good time to mess with Thor a bit. Maybe if Thor never won, he’d get mad, and no one looked attractive when they were angry at trivial things like video games, right?

So he instructed JARVIS to make the game glitch whenever Thor was playing, to have extra red shells shoot appear in front of him from out of nowhere. It was a cheat code Tony had come up with years ago when he and Rhodey had Mario Kart tournaments, and he usually would never cheat. But Tony’s toe was throbbing and he was feeling desperate and it seemed harmless enough. He might as well try.

The plan seemed to work.

Tony joined the others in the living room and only played a couple times, but for the most part he was content to just watch Steve destroy Thor at the game. Steve was playing as Princess Peach --- Tony’s favorite --- and Thor chose Luigi, and Tony felt a bit of satisfaction every time Luigi got knocked off the road.

By the fourth round, Tony could tell that Thor was getting frustrated. His brows were furrowed and there seemed to be a storm brewing behind his eyes. Tony was almost prepared to hear a rumble of thunder outside on this otherwise clear and sunny day.

But it didn’t happen.

Each time it looked as though Thor was about to blow up, Bruce would lean over and whisper something into his ear, and Thor would suddenly perk up like a puppy being fed its favorite biscuit and beam at the other man before focusing back on the game. Thor never lost his temper, not even once, and would pat Steve on the back and congratulate him for each win. He was a gracious loser, laughed jovially and conceded defeat whenever Peach came in first.

When it was nearing six in the evening, Bruce put an end to things and announced that it was time for dinner.

“Come on, Thor,” he said. “I’m making your favorite but you’re gonna have to help.”

“I would love to!” the god said and practically bounded over to where Bruce was, grabbing his hand and pulling him off the couch.

With that, Bruce and Thor left Steve and Tony alone in the room to clean up after the mess they made.

Steve chuckled. “He’s really something else, huh?” he asked. “Didn’t win a single game, but he laughed it off every time.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’d be able to keep my temper in check like that,” Tony said. “I can see why so many people would be into him.”

“Anyone would be lucky to have him,” Steve agreed, and Tony didn’t have anything else to add to that.

Steve was right. Anyone would be lucky to have Thor, and if that was what Steve wanted, then Tony would help. No more pranks.

Although, it didn’t seem like the pranks were necessary anymore anyway. Not with the looks Bruce and Thor kept shooting each other.

***

Clint leans back and crosses his arms. “Huh. Bruce and Thor. Gotta say, didn’t see that one coming.”

“Yeah so whatever you have planned for Steve next, I suggest you scrap it. There’s no point.”

“He asked me for grooming advice the other day,” Clint says. “I already promised I’d help him out. I was thinking about dyeing his hair blue. Or, like, purple. But I guess I’ll give him legit help instead. Maybe pluck his eyebrows for him? They’re getting a little bushy.”

Tony finishes off his drink and lets out a deep, satisfied exhale. “Yeah, sure, do that.”

***

“Ouch! Ow. Ow! That stings!”

“Jesus Christ, hold still, Cap, or I’m gonna mess up the shape of your brows. Nat, can you keep him still?”

Tony pauses by the open doorway of Steve’s room and sees Clint and Natasha with a whole swath of products laid out around them, working on Steve as if he’s getting ready for prom. Clint notices Tony and nods quickly at him before turning back to Steve to finish off his left eyebrow. Nat and Steve’s backs are facing the door, so they haven’t seen Tony yet and he takes advantage of this and leans on the door jamb to settle in and quietly watch Steve get prettied up.

It’s amusing to witness Steve hiss and flinch back with every pluck of a stray hair. Clint is endlessly patient with him, though Tony can tell he’s getting frustrated with Steve’s incessant moving around.

“Beauty is pain, Cap! Suck it up,” Clint crows. “I’m almost done with this side so just hold on for a little longer.”

“Why did I agree to this?” Steve whines. “Nat, how do you do this regularly?”

“Women have a higher pain threshold than men,” Natasha says. “And you said you wanted to look good for the fella you like.”

“Yeah, about that,” Clint says. “Steve, are you sure about this guy? I mean, I get it. Thor’s a great catch and all, but I think he’s pretty hung up on someone else…”

“What?!” Steve exclaims, suddenly leaning forward and causing Clint to stagger back in surprise. “I’m sorry, did you just say Thor?”

“Uh, yeah? Remember that morning when you were asking Tony if he could give you advice on asking Thor out? I was there too. I heard the conversation, dude.”

“I don’t want to date Thor! Why would I want to date Thor?!”

“You kept looking at him! You wouldn’t stop staring at him while you were talking to Tony! We both thought it was pretty obvious that you were talking about our resident god of thunder.”

“Oh my god, no!” Steve cries, and he sounds almost offended. “Did you not see that giant glob of peanut butter he had hanging off his beard? How could anyone look away from that?”

Clint pauses. “Okay, I’ll admit, I did not see any peanut butter on Thor’s face and now I’m kind of disappointed.”

“I just wanted an excuse to spend more time with Tony,” Steve stresses. “I want to date Tony.”

Wait, what? Did Tony hear that right?

He must have said that out loud, because a second later all three heads in the room turn to look at him and Tony finally gets to see Steve’s face --- red, wide-eyed, and framed by two completely differently shaped brows.

“Tony!” Steve says. “Hey! So um, how much of that conversation did you hear?”

“You want to date me? Me?” Tony asks, completely ignoring Steve’s own question. “You wanted my advice...on how to date me.”

It’s truly unfair how adorable Steve looks even when he’s embarrassed. He rubs the back of his neck and shrugs. “Well, I would have asked Rhodey, but he’s on the other side of the country. So I figured, I could, I don’t know, slyly ask you, hypothetically, what you would like if someone were to ask you out? It’s not the best plan, I know, but it was the only one I could think of at the time.”

Tony shakes his head, disbelieving. He and Clint wasted a whole week being dumbasses when Tony could have been spending this time going on dates with Steve instead.

“Cap. Steve. Honey. You’re such an idiot,” Tony says, fondly exasperated. He approaches Steve and stops only inches away from the other man. “All you needed to do was come right out with it and ask.”

“Yeah?” Steve asks. He takes Tony’s hand and strokes the back of it gently with his thumb. “Tony, will you go on a date with me?”

“Yes, of course I will.”

Tony leans forward and Steve meets him halfway, and they’re both grinning too much for it to be comfortable, but it’s still the best kiss of Tony’s life and he doesn’t want to stop.

Of course, just as he’s thinking that, he hears a throat clear from somewhere else in the room and he reluctantly pulls back from Steve to glare at the super spy twins.

“Congratulations on finally getting your shit together,” Natasha says, while Clint gives them two thumbs up from next to her.

“Thank you, I guess,” Tony replies. “Clint, we’re officially done with OMM.”

“Yeah, I got that. Can we still have our coffee hangouts though?”

“Fine, sure. But we’re gonna have to cut those down to only once a week. I need to leave my schedule open for dates with Steve now. Isn’t that right, honey?”

The man in question aims a megawatt smile at Tony. “That’s right. We’re going to go on lots of dates. All the time. Together.”

Tony can’t help but smile right back. He’s finally getting everything he’s ever wanted and he can’t wait to go on dates with Steve right away. But first…

“Steve, babe. I adore you, and you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever met. You’ll look good to me, no matter what. I hope you know that.”

“I know that now, and right back at you, sweetheart.”

“You’ve been together for literally four minutes and you guys are already calling each other sappy nicknames.” Clint mimed gagging and Tony shot a glare at him before turning back to Steve.

 

“Great, so please know that I say this with nothing but love and respect in my heart.” Tony presses a quick peck to Steve’s lips before continuing. “Your eyebrows are, like, crazy uneven, honey. You’re still hot as hell but maybe you should let Clint finish the other side.”